Where do I begin? I've kept quiet that I've been taking an online course called "Unravelling" with Susannah Conway. Why? Because the course was just for me and I knew I wouldn't be sharing any of my work for the course on my blog.
The course is now officially over and it was a fantastic and eye-opening journey. I am much more comfortable now with the face I see when I look in the mirror. This layout is my final take on what I learned from my journey. I had no problem sharing it with course participants, but feel a little hesitant about sharing it here on my blog. And yet, I think it is a necessary part of my growth and unravelling.
I was struck as I thought about "Who is the real me?" by the dichotomy I saw in myself. One minute bold, brash, ready to change the world, the next timid, hesitant, afraid of rejection and ridicule. The play of self-assuredness against self-doubt. The willingness to be out there and be real versus the serious longing to just hide behind anonymity.
I feel certain, deep down in my bones, that this is a universal human experience. That we all come to grips with who we are and what our purpose in the world is at different times and in different ways. I'm still struggling, still figuring it out. Still trying to remember that I am worthy even when my immediate world is telling me in no uncertain terms that I am only the doormat I don't want to be. I know I am so much more than that.
I'm beginning to find the courage to acknowledge the artist in me. To not allow myself to be held down and held back by others who don't see that beauty, that yearning, that spirit. The brash me wants to go shout it from the rooftops and mountain tops - I AM ENOUGH!!! I AM AN ARTIST!!! But I'm only just beginning to find that courage. I'm still protecting that tender and tentative artist in me. I'm afraid in so many ways to expose her to those I am closest to - afraid that they won't understand, or worse yet, that they will scoff and call me silly. Which would undoubtedly send her right back into hiding. I'm letting her come out to play, here on my blog, where she feels safe and secure. In this virtual world, where only friends with kind hearts and open minds come to visit. In a way it is sad that she feels more secure here than she feels in her real-world environment. But I know you will understand. Some of you may even relate. I love you. My artist loves you. Thank you for creating being a part of my safe world.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
49 Things (and a give-away in honor of my birthday)
*This birthday list was inspired by Cathy Zielski and Stacy Julian
Today I am 49. Today is the first day of my last year of being "40 something." Turning forty was okay - I'm wondering if I'll feel the same way in one year when I am turning 50, entering a new decade of life. Not sure. Ask me next year. :) In the meantime, here is my list of 49 things that I know, that I believe, that I ponder. Yes, I'm sharing the wisdom of the ages! Most links are to prior blog posts where I expand on the idea or thought mentioned in the list.
1. Always wear sunscreen.
2. Be kind to yourself. And others. ALL others, without exception.
3. Brush and floss daily. It is that important.
4. Laughter is indeed the best medicine!
5. I am not a happy camper.
6. Naps are not just for toddlers. In fact, they may be entirely wasted on toddlers!
7. Happiness is a choice, not a destination.
8. Damaged toenails can take a VERY long time to regrow.
9. Silence is golden, but the sound of my childrens' laughter is PRICELESS.
10. LOST was one of the best television shows. Ever. I miss it.
11. Daily application of Cherry Softlips reduces the incidence of cold sores.
12. Exercise is not optional. It is vital.
13. Is my lucky number. Seriously.
14. But in the overall scheme of things, numbers (weight, age, etc.) don't really matter. Attitude does.
15. I love to blog.
16. I believe in life long learning.
17. I never cease to be amazed at how much I learn from other people's blogs. Thank you.
18. Live in the moment. Be present. Be aware.
19. Chocolate is a food group. Make sure to eat some every day.
20. Practice Gratitude.
21. We are all children of the Universe. We are all connected. And we are all in this together.
22. Everything is better in moderation. Even scrapbooking supplies.
23. And yet, you can never have too much toilet paper!
24. Reading is a fantastic way to escape into another world - temporarily. It's like a vacation from your life!
25. "Whether you think you can, or think you can't, either way you are right. " Henry Ford
26. Insomnia, headaches, inability to lose weight - all negative aspects of being perimenopausal. Can someone please tell me what the positive aspects are???
27. Sometimes you just have to see the humor in the absurd.
28. Motherhood is one of the most thankless, yet most gratifying, jobs available.
29. Happiness can be purchased at a garden center.
30. I am addicted to online classes. And sugar. Which reminds me... please join me in Picture Summer. It is sure to be a sweet class!
31. Laundry is one of those chores that is never finished. Accept it. Resistance is futile.
32. Above all else, be yourself.
33. Hard drive failure is inevitable. Back up!
34. I believe in abundance.
35. With all due respect to Kermit, I LOVE being GREEN!
36. Comfort is key when it comes to clothing. I am far too busy to be "designer."
37. Clutter sucks life away.
38. Perfection is highly over-rated.
39. "Because I said so" is an acceptable answer... only if you are a parent. But "if you don't stop crying, I'll give you a reason to cry" is never acceptable and is probably the stupidest thing a parent ever said to me.
40. The media-generated portrayal of beauty is a sham. An unobtainable, air-brushed, digitally enhanced lie. Told only to sucker us into buying products that are supposed to make us feel better about our imperfections. Be sure your daughters know this. I think maybe they should teach this in school, along with the "Just Say No" campaigns.
41. Teaching teenagers to drive is a parental right-of-passage. Thankfully, I have survived.
42. Cameras, once out of auto-mode, are a confusing and complicated piece of technology.
43. Barefoot is best. But maybe not in the snow?
44. I'm still waiting for the aliens to return my sweet daughters to me.
45. Validation is comforting. Which probably explains why I adore comments on my blog!
46. When life blesses you with abundance, be sure to "pay it forward."
47. If you made it this far, you must really love me!
48. I AM ENOUGH.
49. Life is Good.
In the spirit of paying it forward, and in honor of my birthday, I am giving one of my blog readers the gift of Brene Brown's "The Hustle for Worthiness" DVD. I won this DVD recently on Brene's blog. I watched it and would now love to pass it on. My hope being that whoever wins it, would watch it and then pass it on again. Just leave me a comment and I'll announce a winner on Tuesday! I'll send it anywhere, so all my international friends can play too!
Today I am 49. Today is the first day of my last year of being "40 something." Turning forty was okay - I'm wondering if I'll feel the same way in one year when I am turning 50, entering a new decade of life. Not sure. Ask me next year. :) In the meantime, here is my list of 49 things that I know, that I believe, that I ponder. Yes, I'm sharing the wisdom of the ages! Most links are to prior blog posts where I expand on the idea or thought mentioned in the list.
1. Always wear sunscreen.
2. Be kind to yourself. And others. ALL others, without exception.
3. Brush and floss daily. It is that important.
4. Laughter is indeed the best medicine!
5. I am not a happy camper.
6. Naps are not just for toddlers. In fact, they may be entirely wasted on toddlers!
7. Happiness is a choice, not a destination.
8. Damaged toenails can take a VERY long time to regrow.
9. Silence is golden, but the sound of my childrens' laughter is PRICELESS.
10. LOST was one of the best television shows. Ever. I miss it.
11. Daily application of Cherry Softlips reduces the incidence of cold sores.
12. Exercise is not optional. It is vital.
13. Is my lucky number. Seriously.
14. But in the overall scheme of things, numbers (weight, age, etc.) don't really matter. Attitude does.
15. I love to blog.
16. I believe in life long learning.
17. I never cease to be amazed at how much I learn from other people's blogs. Thank you.
18. Live in the moment. Be present. Be aware.
19. Chocolate is a food group. Make sure to eat some every day.
20. Practice Gratitude.
21. We are all children of the Universe. We are all connected. And we are all in this together.
22. Everything is better in moderation. Even scrapbooking supplies.
23. And yet, you can never have too much toilet paper!
24. Reading is a fantastic way to escape into another world - temporarily. It's like a vacation from your life!
25. "Whether you think you can, or think you can't, either way you are right. " Henry Ford
26. Insomnia, headaches, inability to lose weight - all negative aspects of being perimenopausal. Can someone please tell me what the positive aspects are???
27. Sometimes you just have to see the humor in the absurd.
28. Motherhood is one of the most thankless, yet most gratifying, jobs available.
29. Happiness can be purchased at a garden center.
30. I am addicted to online classes. And sugar. Which reminds me... please join me in Picture Summer. It is sure to be a sweet class!
31. Laundry is one of those chores that is never finished. Accept it. Resistance is futile.
32. Above all else, be yourself.
33. Hard drive failure is inevitable. Back up!
34. I believe in abundance.
35. With all due respect to Kermit, I LOVE being GREEN!
36. Comfort is key when it comes to clothing. I am far too busy to be "designer."
37. Clutter sucks life away.
38. Perfection is highly over-rated.
39. "Because I said so" is an acceptable answer... only if you are a parent. But "if you don't stop crying, I'll give you a reason to cry" is never acceptable and is probably the stupidest thing a parent ever said to me.
40. The media-generated portrayal of beauty is a sham. An unobtainable, air-brushed, digitally enhanced lie. Told only to sucker us into buying products that are supposed to make us feel better about our imperfections. Be sure your daughters know this. I think maybe they should teach this in school, along with the "Just Say No" campaigns.
41. Teaching teenagers to drive is a parental right-of-passage. Thankfully, I have survived.
42. Cameras, once out of auto-mode, are a confusing and complicated piece of technology.
43. Barefoot is best. But maybe not in the snow?
44. I'm still waiting for the aliens to return my sweet daughters to me.
45. Validation is comforting. Which probably explains why I adore comments on my blog!
46. When life blesses you with abundance, be sure to "pay it forward."
47. If you made it this far, you must really love me!
48. I AM ENOUGH.
49. Life is Good.
In the spirit of paying it forward, and in honor of my birthday, I am giving one of my blog readers the gift of Brene Brown's "The Hustle for Worthiness" DVD. I won this DVD recently on Brene's blog. I watched it and would now love to pass it on. My hope being that whoever wins it, would watch it and then pass it on again. Just leave me a comment and I'll announce a winner on Tuesday! I'll send it anywhere, so all my international friends can play too!
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Evolution of a Scrap Room
My scrap room has been over two years in the making to get to where it is today. Here's a glimpse at where it came from:
In January of 2008 my room looked like this. Yikes! All of the cabinets that were ripped out for the kitchen remodel were stacked in the middle of the room. I had big plans to use all of those cabinets to create a fully functional scrap space, but we had no place to put them! (At the time, the garage was full of other remodeling stuff).
I was running a part-time scrapbook consulting business from this room as well, so my desk doubled for business and scrap space - no wonder I never scrapped at home!
The business involved vending at crops and trade shows, which meant having inventory and display stuff - like the gridwall you can see on the far left. This *ahem* "lovely" cabinet from Home Depot housed most of the paper inventory in various boxes and bins. And years of use and abuse meant it was quite literally falling apart.
My family HATED this room and the constant mess. Did I mention that this happens to be our living room? The first room anyone sees when they walk in the house? It certainly wasn't pretty, but it was a tax write-off!
I spent most of 2008 slowly phasing out my business and reducing inventory. The kitchen cabinets were moved out to the garage for painting and I lost use of my parking spot for months.
Fast forward to January of 2009. I had officially closed my scrapbooking business and was now using the desk for scrapbooking. I could occasionally find surfaces! Notice the change in materials on the bulletin board. But don't look under the desk - I still had way too much stuff! This was the area slated to become base and wall cabinets once everything was painted and ready to go. The folding tables would be moved out.
I rearranged the room so the hideous cabinet was no longer between the windows - but over on the side wall. It now housed the dregs of my inventory, as well as a lot of equipment like multiple sizzix machines and towers full of dies. I had every intention of ultimately removing the cabinet once the repurposed kitchen cabinets were ready to be put in place. I did a MAJOR stash reduction and took tons of stuff to sell at a scrapbook yard sale at a crop I attend every January.
Moved the shelving unit into the corner and brought down the glider rocker from the girls' room. This rocker was bought before the birth of my first child and has rocked all my babies over time. Huge sentimental value factor. And it is next to a window so it made a good little reading area. All those empty cropper hopper paper bins? Used to house paper inventory. I was slowly but surely weeding things out.
Moving around the room from the rocker, I moved my sewing desk into the area between the windows. (it had been in the corner and quite buried so that it was fairly useless).
And the kitchen cabinets? Were eventually painted and moved back into the prior dining room (now slated to become an office). It was about this same time that Jay told me he wasn't thrilled with the idea of repurposing the cabinets for my scrap room. Why? Well... because the scrap room is actually our living room, he thought it would look odd to have cabinets hung there. And he didn't want to do anything permanent that would affect resale value (although we have no intention to move). So I went back to the drawing board and the cabinets sat stacked in the "office" for months.
I drew up a new layout, came up with a color scheme, went out and bought fabric to make drapes and bought paint for the room. I had a concept that I was sooooo ready to put into action! The idea was that the room colors would be my happy colors (green and blue) but in elegant, soothing shades, and that ultimately it would be more of a "scrap retreat" and be inviting even if it couldn't be a formal living room.
Getting a photo of the paint swatches and fabric to come out even close to actual color was challenging, but I think this is close:

It is Benjamin Moore paints and the wall color (on the right) is called "Truffle" and reminds me of sand. The green, which pushes toward olive, appears in the drapes and in numerous accessories throughout the room. The chocolate brown and very odd shade of blue are just accent colors and appear in the drapery fabric and some of the other fabrics I used. I bought the paint and the fabric and then it sat.
In August 2009, I bought this bench from Pottery Barn and created my own cushion cover and throw pillows to go on it. Then bench holds (for the most part) completed scrapbooks and photo albums. (Although most of the ones in the center section are actually empty!). Ashley loves the window seat we've created, quite obviously, just for her.
By September, I was tired of waiting and threatened to paint the room myself. Jay is a real stickler about HOW to paint, so he got involved. First everything got covered so the ceiling could be painted. BTW - our home is 22 years old and this room still had the original builder's grade eggshell paint. Yuck.
Never throw away old sheets!
Next up, all the walls were painted in the Truffle color and all the trim was painted bright white. We did the painting with all the furniture pushed into the middle of the room. We got this far and decided that the 22 year old mauve carpeting just wasn't doing it for us anymore. So EVERYTHING got hauled out of the room. The pantry cabinet was put out for bulk trash. I took multiple van loads of stuff to Good Will. And I still had scrapbook stuff lining my hallway, covering every open surface in the sunroom, and stacked up in the garage - I lost my parking space - again!
Carpeting was chosen and installed. This view is looking back toward the front door from inside the room. The carpet is earth-friendly; made from corn instead of petroleum products and very soft. I've never had anything this light on the floor before!
Moving back in and putting on the finishing touches has been a slow process. But here is my room now:
As you walk into the room from the hallway, this is to your left and faces the front of the house. There is my sewing desk in between the windows which now have hand-made drapes to replace those ugly lace sheers. Check out the new lamp on the desk! And I finally hung the family portrait that has been framed and waiting since 2007(?).
Moving over to the right you see the window seat and the glider rocker, with another new lamp. (P.S. Four piece lamp set for $39 at Target!). This is the reading area and my whole family uses it now, usually to sit and chat on the phone or look through albums. I still need to recover the cushions on the rocker to match the room, but not sure that is within my abilities.
The side wall features the bookcase (it's a folding one from Staples that I got on sale for $39.) and my latest purchase - that I've been waiting for since October - an Armoire Desk from Pottery Barn Teen. This was my splurge with the last of the income I'd earned from selling off all my scrapbook biz inventory.
Here's the pic from the Pottery Barn website with their depiction of what it would look like filled with teen girl stuff. I haven't completely outfitted mine yet, but it will hold my portable printer, xyron machines, Zutter bind-it-all and other not-so-pretty but otherwise necessary scrap stuff.
Sitting atop the Armoire is this basket filled with mini-albums. I pulled out the purple ribbon that was in it and replaced it with one from my stash that had colors that matched the room.
Continuing around to the right, there is the opening into the office and then my actual scrapbooking area. The table is repurposed from our old eat-in kitchen. The Making Memories Embellishment Center was sitting in a box for two years, just waiting for this project to get done. Jay calls it a spice rack. I think it's apt. The bulletin board has always been in this same spot. We didn't even take the nails out of the wall when we painted! Planning to paint the wood trim green. The clip it up sits atop a drawer unit that holds punches, excess adhesives, scissors, and other what-not. The shelving unit has been moved to the little piece of wall next to the hallway and fits perfectly there. Now all the stuff I regularly scrap with is within easy reach and the messiest bit (the shelves) can't be seen from the hallway when you walk in. I know you can't see under the table from this photo, but you have my word - there is NOTHING under there! There is actually room for feet when I sit! The table top isn't usually this clean! :) But I had to make it presentable to share. Imagine it wit barely any wood surface showing and you'll have a more accurate picture!
Here's a close up of the spice rack with all my embellies! Okay, actually nowhere near all, but a lot of it!
Close up of the shelving unit. All my cardstock, patterned papers, and photo storage binders across the top row. My category drawers, misc. small albums (most not used yet) and my Library of Memories Albums. Underneath that, the cases hold various projects either in progress or from classes that I never quite finished. Journaling baskets. Photo boxes - half are empty, half are filled with photos. Need to lose the purple and pink - they don't fit with the color scheme!
And last, but not least, a close up of my clip-it-up clearly showing my obsession with Thickers. But ladies, most of these packages have been opened and partially used!
In January of 2008 my room looked like this. Yikes! All of the cabinets that were ripped out for the kitchen remodel were stacked in the middle of the room. I had big plans to use all of those cabinets to create a fully functional scrap space, but we had no place to put them! (At the time, the garage was full of other remodeling stuff).
I was running a part-time scrapbook consulting business from this room as well, so my desk doubled for business and scrap space - no wonder I never scrapped at home!
The business involved vending at crops and trade shows, which meant having inventory and display stuff - like the gridwall you can see on the far left. This *ahem* "lovely" cabinet from Home Depot housed most of the paper inventory in various boxes and bins. And years of use and abuse meant it was quite literally falling apart.
My family HATED this room and the constant mess. Did I mention that this happens to be our living room? The first room anyone sees when they walk in the house? It certainly wasn't pretty, but it was a tax write-off!
I spent most of 2008 slowly phasing out my business and reducing inventory. The kitchen cabinets were moved out to the garage for painting and I lost use of my parking spot for months.
Fast forward to January of 2009. I had officially closed my scrapbooking business and was now using the desk for scrapbooking. I could occasionally find surfaces! Notice the change in materials on the bulletin board. But don't look under the desk - I still had way too much stuff! This was the area slated to become base and wall cabinets once everything was painted and ready to go. The folding tables would be moved out.
I rearranged the room so the hideous cabinet was no longer between the windows - but over on the side wall. It now housed the dregs of my inventory, as well as a lot of equipment like multiple sizzix machines and towers full of dies. I had every intention of ultimately removing the cabinet once the repurposed kitchen cabinets were ready to be put in place. I did a MAJOR stash reduction and took tons of stuff to sell at a scrapbook yard sale at a crop I attend every January.
Moved the shelving unit into the corner and brought down the glider rocker from the girls' room. This rocker was bought before the birth of my first child and has rocked all my babies over time. Huge sentimental value factor. And it is next to a window so it made a good little reading area. All those empty cropper hopper paper bins? Used to house paper inventory. I was slowly but surely weeding things out.
Moving around the room from the rocker, I moved my sewing desk into the area between the windows. (it had been in the corner and quite buried so that it was fairly useless).
And the kitchen cabinets? Were eventually painted and moved back into the prior dining room (now slated to become an office). It was about this same time that Jay told me he wasn't thrilled with the idea of repurposing the cabinets for my scrap room. Why? Well... because the scrap room is actually our living room, he thought it would look odd to have cabinets hung there. And he didn't want to do anything permanent that would affect resale value (although we have no intention to move). So I went back to the drawing board and the cabinets sat stacked in the "office" for months.
I drew up a new layout, came up with a color scheme, went out and bought fabric to make drapes and bought paint for the room. I had a concept that I was sooooo ready to put into action! The idea was that the room colors would be my happy colors (green and blue) but in elegant, soothing shades, and that ultimately it would be more of a "scrap retreat" and be inviting even if it couldn't be a formal living room.
Getting a photo of the paint swatches and fabric to come out even close to actual color was challenging, but I think this is close:

It is Benjamin Moore paints and the wall color (on the right) is called "Truffle" and reminds me of sand. The green, which pushes toward olive, appears in the drapes and in numerous accessories throughout the room. The chocolate brown and very odd shade of blue are just accent colors and appear in the drapery fabric and some of the other fabrics I used. I bought the paint and the fabric and then it sat.
In August 2009, I bought this bench from Pottery Barn and created my own cushion cover and throw pillows to go on it. Then bench holds (for the most part) completed scrapbooks and photo albums. (Although most of the ones in the center section are actually empty!). Ashley loves the window seat we've created, quite obviously, just for her.
By September, I was tired of waiting and threatened to paint the room myself. Jay is a real stickler about HOW to paint, so he got involved. First everything got covered so the ceiling could be painted. BTW - our home is 22 years old and this room still had the original builder's grade eggshell paint. Yuck.
Never throw away old sheets!
Next up, all the walls were painted in the Truffle color and all the trim was painted bright white. We did the painting with all the furniture pushed into the middle of the room. We got this far and decided that the 22 year old mauve carpeting just wasn't doing it for us anymore. So EVERYTHING got hauled out of the room. The pantry cabinet was put out for bulk trash. I took multiple van loads of stuff to Good Will. And I still had scrapbook stuff lining my hallway, covering every open surface in the sunroom, and stacked up in the garage - I lost my parking space - again!
Carpeting was chosen and installed. This view is looking back toward the front door from inside the room. The carpet is earth-friendly; made from corn instead of petroleum products and very soft. I've never had anything this light on the floor before!
Moving back in and putting on the finishing touches has been a slow process. But here is my room now:
As you walk into the room from the hallway, this is to your left and faces the front of the house. There is my sewing desk in between the windows which now have hand-made drapes to replace those ugly lace sheers. Check out the new lamp on the desk! And I finally hung the family portrait that has been framed and waiting since 2007(?).
Moving over to the right you see the window seat and the glider rocker, with another new lamp. (P.S. Four piece lamp set for $39 at Target!). This is the reading area and my whole family uses it now, usually to sit and chat on the phone or look through albums. I still need to recover the cushions on the rocker to match the room, but not sure that is within my abilities.
The side wall features the bookcase (it's a folding one from Staples that I got on sale for $39.) and my latest purchase - that I've been waiting for since October - an Armoire Desk from Pottery Barn Teen. This was my splurge with the last of the income I'd earned from selling off all my scrapbook biz inventory.
Here's the pic from the Pottery Barn website with their depiction of what it would look like filled with teen girl stuff. I haven't completely outfitted mine yet, but it will hold my portable printer, xyron machines, Zutter bind-it-all and other not-so-pretty but otherwise necessary scrap stuff.
Sitting atop the Armoire is this basket filled with mini-albums. I pulled out the purple ribbon that was in it and replaced it with one from my stash that had colors that matched the room.
And this letter "C" which was given to me by my friend Krystal as a gift. She had wrapped pink and black ribbons on it. I was able to pull from my stash and come up with ribbons in the room's color palette. Click on the image to see larger. Another project inspired by Shimelle's Something From Nothing class!




I LOVE my room now. It is light, airy, elegant, soothing colors, not overstuffed with stuff. I still have a bit more paring down to do but even my family seems pleased with the near-final result. So if you are ever in my neck of the woods, pop on by and I'll give you the personal tour!
Oh, and those kitchen cabinets? Two sets of base cabinets ended up in the office. All the rest (after two years of hemming and hawing and repainting and all) were put out for bulk trash. I finally got my garage space back right before Christmas.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Learning to Love Me
I am a very fair-skinned person with hazel eyes and natural blonde hair. As a child, people said my hair looked like corn silk. I have a smattering of freckles. When I get in the sun, I turn into a lobster. I do not tan. So mostly I avoid the sun and just stay very fair. Okay, pasty white. As in, maybe Edward Cullen would find me attractive?
When I was 12, I owned a hot pink bikini bathing suit. We lived in the middle of nowhere, so it isn’t like anyone my own age ever saw me in it. But I happily pranced around the yard playing with my younger siblings and thinking I was just oh-so-hot in my itsy bitsy bikini. Body shame had not yet become an issue for me.
In Junior High School we wore uniforms for gym class. Ugly uniforms. One piece rompers that consisted of a Kelly green short attached to a green and white striped top which zipped up the back. There was no way to get in and out of the uniform except to strip to your undergarments. At a time when it seemed the majority of my classmates were becoming young women, I still had the body of a little girl. Flat as a board. Not something you want to broadcast to your classmates. My Mom made me call Sears Catalog myself to order my first bras. A GUY answered. Imagine being 13 and telling a strange guy that you would like to order size 32 AAA bras. The horror! I wished that I would grow bewbs. But at least I didn’t have to strip naked in front of all my blossoming classmates.
In 11th grade, a boy I was secretly crushing on called me “albino”. I was devastated. I wished my beautiful blonde hair would get darker and that my eyelashes and eyebrows would be dark instead of blonde. My Mom used to tell me “go put on some makeup… you look like death warmed over.” I know she meant well. I know she just wanted to help me fit in to a world where you are judged by your outside appearance. Instead I grew to hate makeup. And the double standard. Because she told my younger sister “go wash some of that crap off your face.” And I’m sure the comment included something about looking like a hooker.
When I graduated high school I had grown to a whopping 5’4” and weighed 121. I still hadn’t grown bewbs. I also had no defined waist or hips. In fact, I wore boys Lee jeans from the Army/Navy store because that is what fit best. I thought I was fat. My first year at college, the “freshman 10” actually turned out to be the “freshman 20”. I spent the rest of the time I was in college and law school hovering in the 140’s. I was sure I was fat. Right before my wedding, I spent two weeks eating appetite suppressants and starving myself. I walked down the aisle at a petite 132, still believing I was fat. Those handsome men are both my stepdads walking me down the aisle.
I’ve always loved to dance. I’ve secretly wished I could be like Baby in Dirty Dancing or Coco in Fame. I don’t have that kind of talent, but I did take jazz dance classes during high school, college, and law school. At dance studios, I was always the oldest student in the class, even though I never looked it. I even danced in a few recitals. And I thought I was fat.
Then I had children. I gained 28 pounds with each pregnancy. And over time, some of that weight stayed with me. My body is now a road map of my life. There are the stretch marks – deep and wide as small rivers – from being pregnant with twins. And the very large scar from my C-section which has become the spot that my belly fat squishes over. Would I trade in my girls for a flat belly without stretch marks? No, I wouldn’t. I wear those stretch marks like a soldier wears tattoos – a badge of courage and endurance, a symbol of motherhood. I earned those stretch marks. There are smaller scars from when I had my gallbladder removed 6 weeks after the twins were born. There is the black mark on my left knee from when I fell off my bike into the gravel at age 13. You would think that 35 years of skin regeneration would have erased that one, but I guess the gravel got imbedded much too deeply. It is firmly a part of me.
I have deep “frown” lines between my eyebrows – not from frowning, from squinting in the sun (another side effect of being so fair). And did you know that squinting looks just like frowning in photos? (see picture 1 above). I also have small crows feet from smiling and deep parentheses on the sides of my mouth. My skin is becoming mottled with age marks.
My hair is darker but still natural blonde – a color many women pay good money to copy. And I’ve learned to love it. My eyebrows and eyelashes are still blonde too. I would change that if I could as having blonde eyelashes means you look like you don’t have eyelashes at all – unless you wear mascara. So I do. When I have to.
I still haven’t grown sizeable bewbs. At forty, I started going for my annual bewb-squishing appointment and wondered if it would hurt less if I had more to offer up on the sacrificial plates of torture. The technicians assure me that size doesn’t matter. Hmmm? Seriously, that procedure can’t be good for what little mammary tissue I do possess!
I still lack a well defined waist/hip female curviness to my figure, largely because I carry too much of my weight around my middle. I can now look back at the photos of my younger self and realize I wasn’t fat then but I am decidedly overweight now. I know this about myself and I am struggling to correct it.
Another thing I finally know about myself – I am NOT my appearance. And I cannot be defined by the outer package that carries me through this life on earth. I have spent far too many years allowing the media and the fashion industry to dictate what I should look like and who I should be. I will never look like a leggy size 1 model who weighs 90 lbs soaking wet. In fact, at size 14, I am just slightly over the average size of most American women. Did you know that the fashion industry considers a size 10 a “plus” size model? OMG! How unrealistic is that?
So yes, I am finally learning to love myself, as I am. In this package that is imperfectly perfect and uniquely me.
When I was 12, I owned a hot pink bikini bathing suit. We lived in the middle of nowhere, so it isn’t like anyone my own age ever saw me in it. But I happily pranced around the yard playing with my younger siblings and thinking I was just oh-so-hot in my itsy bitsy bikini. Body shame had not yet become an issue for me.
In Junior High School we wore uniforms for gym class. Ugly uniforms. One piece rompers that consisted of a Kelly green short attached to a green and white striped top which zipped up the back. There was no way to get in and out of the uniform except to strip to your undergarments. At a time when it seemed the majority of my classmates were becoming young women, I still had the body of a little girl. Flat as a board. Not something you want to broadcast to your classmates. My Mom made me call Sears Catalog myself to order my first bras. A GUY answered. Imagine being 13 and telling a strange guy that you would like to order size 32 AAA bras. The horror! I wished that I would grow bewbs. But at least I didn’t have to strip naked in front of all my blossoming classmates.
In 11th grade, a boy I was secretly crushing on called me “albino”. I was devastated. I wished my beautiful blonde hair would get darker and that my eyelashes and eyebrows would be dark instead of blonde. My Mom used to tell me “go put on some makeup… you look like death warmed over.” I know she meant well. I know she just wanted to help me fit in to a world where you are judged by your outside appearance. Instead I grew to hate makeup. And the double standard. Because she told my younger sister “go wash some of that crap off your face.” And I’m sure the comment included something about looking like a hooker.
When I graduated high school I had grown to a whopping 5’4” and weighed 121. I still hadn’t grown bewbs. I also had no defined waist or hips. In fact, I wore boys Lee jeans from the Army/Navy store because that is what fit best. I thought I was fat. My first year at college, the “freshman 10” actually turned out to be the “freshman 20”. I spent the rest of the time I was in college and law school hovering in the 140’s. I was sure I was fat. Right before my wedding, I spent two weeks eating appetite suppressants and starving myself. I walked down the aisle at a petite 132, still believing I was fat. Those handsome men are both my stepdads walking me down the aisle.
I’ve always loved to dance. I’ve secretly wished I could be like Baby in Dirty Dancing or Coco in Fame. I don’t have that kind of talent, but I did take jazz dance classes during high school, college, and law school. At dance studios, I was always the oldest student in the class, even though I never looked it. I even danced in a few recitals. And I thought I was fat.
Then I had children. I gained 28 pounds with each pregnancy. And over time, some of that weight stayed with me. My body is now a road map of my life. There are the stretch marks – deep and wide as small rivers – from being pregnant with twins. And the very large scar from my C-section which has become the spot that my belly fat squishes over. Would I trade in my girls for a flat belly without stretch marks? No, I wouldn’t. I wear those stretch marks like a soldier wears tattoos – a badge of courage and endurance, a symbol of motherhood. I earned those stretch marks. There are smaller scars from when I had my gallbladder removed 6 weeks after the twins were born. There is the black mark on my left knee from when I fell off my bike into the gravel at age 13. You would think that 35 years of skin regeneration would have erased that one, but I guess the gravel got imbedded much too deeply. It is firmly a part of me.
I have deep “frown” lines between my eyebrows – not from frowning, from squinting in the sun (another side effect of being so fair). And did you know that squinting looks just like frowning in photos? (see picture 1 above). I also have small crows feet from smiling and deep parentheses on the sides of my mouth. My skin is becoming mottled with age marks.
My hair is darker but still natural blonde – a color many women pay good money to copy. And I’ve learned to love it. My eyebrows and eyelashes are still blonde too. I would change that if I could as having blonde eyelashes means you look like you don’t have eyelashes at all – unless you wear mascara. So I do. When I have to.
I still haven’t grown sizeable bewbs. At forty, I started going for my annual bewb-squishing appointment and wondered if it would hurt less if I had more to offer up on the sacrificial plates of torture. The technicians assure me that size doesn’t matter. Hmmm? Seriously, that procedure can’t be good for what little mammary tissue I do possess!
I still lack a well defined waist/hip female curviness to my figure, largely because I carry too much of my weight around my middle. I can now look back at the photos of my younger self and realize I wasn’t fat then but I am decidedly overweight now. I know this about myself and I am struggling to correct it.

So yes, I am finally learning to love myself, as I am. In this package that is imperfectly perfect and uniquely me.
Monday, January 18, 2010
This is Why...
It was just about a year ago that I posted some current layouts, including this one about why I scrapbook. The only thing that has really changed in my life since that time is my own perspective. I'm growing, I'm changing, I'm spending more time acknowledging who I am. And with that new perspective, I've realized that I scrapbook for ME. Yep, me.
THIS is why:
So I can spend time with my BFF Krystal - who lives 12 hours away, so pretty much the only time we see each other is when we get together at a crop. I adore my girl time! Freedom from kids, housework, my job - and nobody to please for a few days but myself.
And THIS is why:
Because I derive great joy out of the simple act of creating and expressing myself. And learning more about who I am through the process.
And THIS is why:
Because the act of scrapbooking allows me to preserve moments, make connections, show growth and change, and leave a legacy for my family. I hope these pages will remind my girls of happy times together even when they are mired in the thick of sibling rivalry. And I hope they will be evidence of how much I loved my family long after I am gone.
Credits: Template - Cathy Z, Design Your Life Class; Background Paper - Jessica Sprague Kraft; Title Font - Porcelain.
THIS is why:
So I can spend time with my BFF Krystal - who lives 12 hours away, so pretty much the only time we see each other is when we get together at a crop. I adore my girl time! Freedom from kids, housework, my job - and nobody to please for a few days but myself.
And THIS is why:
Because I derive great joy out of the simple act of creating and expressing myself. And learning more about who I am through the process.
And THIS is why:
Because the act of scrapbooking allows me to preserve moments, make connections, show growth and change, and leave a legacy for my family. I hope these pages will remind my girls of happy times together even when they are mired in the thick of sibling rivalry. And I hope they will be evidence of how much I loved my family long after I am gone.
Credits: Template - Cathy Z, Design Your Life Class; Background Paper - Jessica Sprague Kraft; Title Font - Porcelain.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Evolution
This is a three page layout from Ali Edwards "Yesterday & Today" class at Big Picture Scrapbooking. In this series you can literally watch my family grow up. I have to say that I am really loving this class! Ali's approach to documenting stories is so inspiring.
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