Friday, June 22, 2012

Just a Quote for Friday +

"You can't start the next chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the last one."  Unknown

Becca and Peter got back together right before Valentine's Day.  They made it through a three year anniversary and Prom.  But Peter broke it off again a week before Becca's graduation.  And two days ago he told her it was really over, he was tired of giving her more chances.  I feel like deja vu.  He has said that before.  We've been here before.  Becca is a weepy mess.   I can't believe this photo was just three weeks ago today.

We've all heard: "Time heals all wounds", "there are plenty of fish in the sea", "you're better off without him", "you need to move on" and all the other platitudes.  I realized yesterday that when you are smack in the thick of things that all those words are absolutely meaningless to the person who is suffering.  True, maybe.  But still meaningless.  Becca recognizes that she needs to move on, but in reality she misses Peter and wants him back.  More than anything.  And I know if he comes back, this cycle will continue.  Anyone with real world experience care to weigh on in what you tell your heart-broken eighteen-year-old when you know a relationship is toxic and needs to end?  Even when you happen to like the boy involved?


Unknown said...

Oh goodness, I could write a whole book on this subject. I dated a guy and we had a similar relationship like this for 6 years...very on and off but we would break up and continue to hang out and then eventually we'd just grow back together and then break up and...the story continues.

Anyway, having been through it all a couple of times and finally being over that relationship, my best advice (and something that I just finally learned) is to STAY BUSY. Instead of staying home crying and lonely, I started forcing myself to get involved in new things. I joined a softball team, picked up the guitar, started scrapbooking the process I've learned a ton about myself AND the bonuses are that I've made new friends and new talents.

The biggest thing is time, though and it totally sucks. If Becca wants to talk to someone who's been through it and lived to tell the story, have her email me. xoxo

Karen said...

We never went through anything quite like that. I thought Carrie's advice was good, though. I do know how it feels to be the mom of a teen that's hurting over a relationship, though, and it's not easy. I did my best not to give advice, but just to listen. It wasn't easy.

Amy said...

Carrie and Karen both have good advice, sometimes I think you just have to live through a relationship and as you mature and grown you realise it isn't healthy ... I mean live through the break up, and by keeping busy it makes things easier.

Anonymous said...

Been through it myself but not as a mum. I feel sad for you too as my friend said, when her daughter broke up with a long term boyfriend, it was like loosing a son too. My heart goes out to you too as when your baby hurts you hurt twice as much. xxx

Cheryl said...

I'm so sorry, Cheri. I have a friend who is going through a divorce right now, and I'm always a little taken aback when I hear her say she misses him and wants him to come home because he's the definition of toxic. But I believe ending a relationship is in many ways equivalent to grieving a death. You're right: the platitudes, no matter how true, don't help and sometimes make it worse. I just try to be patient in listening to her and offer ways to keep her busy as much as possible. It's not easy to watch someone you love go through something painful, and I can only imagine that it hurts even more when you birthed that someone. I hope things get better soon.

Deb @ PaperTurtle said...

As Carrie's mom I can't tell you how HAPPY I am to read her advice for Becca and to know that she {finally} figured out a way to get through it. It was TOUGH to watch her go through it, and there were times when I wondered if she'd EVER get over that boy. Maybe she won't actually ever be "over" him, but she definitely has a different perspective - but that only came with time.

I think Carrie's advice for Becca to stay busy is the BEST for now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Becca that this boy really does move on so she can be free to create HERSELF now. Even though it's hard to see right now, it's kind of exciting when you think of what's in store for her now. The posibilities are endless!!!

Good luck, Mom! I know first hand how hard this is. xo

Maria Ontiveros said...

I tried to tell Clara that I didn't want her to get back together with someone who caused her so much pain (the 13 year old variety, rather than the 18 year old variety), when she was in a make up and break up cycle. One of the great things about this current vacation is getting her away from toxic relationships at home.
Good luck,

scrappyjacky said...

I think Carrie is giving very good advice.....especially coming from someone her age who has fairly recently been in the same situation.
All you can do is be there for her....because a mother's advice usually just doesn't count!!
Good luck to you both.

MonicaB said...

I have to agree with Carrie about staying busy. I was in a relationship like that in my late teens. It's very hard because you have the same friends and hang outs. Until I started doing new activities and meeting new friends it was hard to let the familiar comfort of that bad relationship go. It does take time and it's not easy for anyone in the family. Good luck to both of you.