The truth is, I have been struggling. Sometimes choosing to be happy, choosing to see the opportunity in a challenge or the good in a ridiculously difficult situation is hard. And sometimes it isn't just hard, it is damn near impossible.
Jay's home now. All the time. Officially unemployed. My quiet "me" time in the morning is gone. Any ability I had to center myself on my own, in private - gone. I spend free time proof-reading resumes and cover letters and trying to reassure him that everything happens for a reason and it will all work out in the end. And in another week the girls will be out of school and home full time too. I'm dreading Summer in a way I never thought possible. At the same time, I know I have so so much to be grateful for. I know that I have a roof over my head and food on my table and that won't change no matter how this situation plays out. Sometimes it is hard to comprehend feeling so grateful and yet so overwhelmed in the same breath.
I got "my" computer back on June 2nd, (it actually belongs to my employer) but I'm still trying to get it fully functional again. It has been...well...frustrating. And time consuming. Between all that and one other little piece of teen drama that I can't even share, I think I've broken down and cried more in the past ten days than I have in the past two or three years. I haven't felt like taking pictures. I haven't kept up with online challenges or classes. Exercising and eating right have fallen by the wayside. I haven't been able to blog. I've written a half dozen or more posts in my head, but actually sitting down to a computer that feels like a stranger to me, and trying to catch you all up with what's been going on... just didn't seem within my capabilities.
You know how when your computer gets "wiped" you lose all those glorious settings and automatic things that you've spent weeks, months, years... setting up and perfecting to make your life easier?
I immediately reinstalled PSE8, but just today figured out how to reinstall my Pioneer Woman Actions. I seriously can't live without those! (You can download them from the link). I immediately reinstalled iTunes, Google Reader and my "next" button, my "pin it" button for Pinterest, and my "wish list" button for Amazon.com. Recreated my email signature. Turned off that stupid automatic email notification that interrupts you every five minutes. Put back the desktop wallpaper with the pretty ocean scene.
So why am I not fully functional yet?
- I still need all my printers installed - only Jay knows how to do that. Since I lost that before the end of May, I don't have my Best of Days pages printed out. I NEED them!
- I need to get the hub working to recognize all my peripherals (monitor, keyboard, trackball mouse - the computer itself is a laptop and not a great workspace for anything digi related). That requires another call to work, and probably taking the computer back in.
- The tech at work who wiped my computer forgot to back up my .pst file for my personal Outlook profile. Luckily I had a back-up here at home... dated June 2, 2010. Yeah, it's been a year. So I lost the entire past year worth of email (all those Picture Series class emails, sign on info, taxes, etc.), and contacts and calendar. By the way if you sent me your contact information (mailing address) in the past year... I NEED YOU TO SEND IT AGAIN. It's gone. Email to scrapdreams at verizon dot net.
- The other thing I "lost" as a result of the computer virus was my ACDSee program and all the photo tagging I've been working at so diligently for the Picture Freedom class. And all the tagging I had already done of all my digi scrapping supplies. Hundreds of hours of work. I'll tell you all the reasons NOT to buy ACDSee in another post.
The good news is that I'm finally back to a place where I can sit here and write a blog post. Hopefully that means you'll be hearing more from me soon!