The Real Me

Where do I begin? I've kept quiet that I've been taking an online course called "Unravelling" with Susannah Conway. Why? Because the course was just for me and I knew I wouldn't be sharing any of my work for the course on my blog.

The course is now officially over and it was a fantastic and eye-opening journey.  I am much more comfortable now with the face I see when I look in the mirror.  This layout is my final take on what I learned from my journey. I had no problem sharing it with course participants, but feel a little hesitant about sharing it here on my blog. And yet, I think it is a necessary part of my growth and unravelling. 

I was struck as I thought about "Who is the real me?" by the dichotomy I saw in myself. One minute bold, brash, ready to change the world, the next timid, hesitant, afraid of rejection and ridicule. The play of self-assuredness against self-doubt. The willingness to be out there and be real versus the serious longing to just hide behind anonymity.

I feel certain, deep down in my bones, that this is a universal human experience. That we all come to grips with who we are and what our purpose in the world is at different times and in different ways. I'm still struggling, still figuring it out. Still trying to remember that I am worthy even when my immediate world is telling me in no uncertain terms that I am only the doormat I don't want to be. I know I am so much more than that.

I'm beginning to find the courage to acknowledge the artist in me. To not allow myself to be held down and held back by others who don't see that beauty, that yearning, that spirit. The brash me wants to go shout it from the rooftops and mountain tops - I AM ENOUGH!!! I AM AN ARTIST!!!  But I'm only just beginning to find that courage. I'm still protecting that tender and tentative artist in me. I'm afraid in so many ways to expose her to those I am closest to - afraid that they won't understand, or worse yet, that they will scoff and call me silly. Which would undoubtedly send her right back into hiding. I'm letting her come out to play, here on my blog, where she feels safe and secure. In this virtual world, where only friends with kind hearts and open minds come to visit.  In a way it is sad that she feels more secure here than she feels in her real-world environment.  But I know you will understand. Some of you may even relate. I love you. My artist loves you. Thank you for creating being a part of my safe world.